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This was published in The Oregonian on its op-ed page Friday, Nov. 19, 1999. It spoofs new, allegedly "simplified" recycling procedures. This is the original version submitted; the "edited" version lost a little in the translation.
Now, recycling in Portland is easier than ever. Where once you had to separate items to avoid comingling, now you can comingle items for separation.
It's as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 ... well, just let us show you.
1. Once a week, set aside time for your family to enjoy recycling. Either assign one recyclable per family member (if you have a big family), or draw lots to see who gets paper, plastic, metal, or rotten stuff.
2. In a 10-by-13 manila envelope, place all redundant solicitations for charitable contributions, supported by your first contribution to the charity of your choice, preferably an environmental group big on the irony of killing trees to solicit your support.
3. Publishers Clearingouse says you could be a winner. After determining that the fine print says you are a loser, write a check for your life savings and send it back. Don't forget to attach a stamp.
4. Take the plastic pull strips from resealable tortilla packages, braid them and attach to your hair with twist ties from break bags.
5. Remove the lids from all glass jars and the caps from all glass or plastic bottles and collect them in a large coffee can -- assuming you drink THAT kind of coffee -- and save them for use by children in after-school art activities such as combining with fertilizer and diesel fuel in a recipe found on the Internet while mom and dad were busy working to pay for the computer.
6. Gather all empty Frito bags, Ho-Ho wrappers and obnoxious, crinkly No. 2 plastic bags from Barnes & Noble into a huge pile, then stuff in a large Hefty bag, wrap in plastic, and FedEx to Arlington.
7. Separate the newspaper from the plastic bag, set the newspaper aside in a stack, read thoroughly the instructions on the side of the plastic bag, then combine the bag with others of its type and take it to Thriftway (where IS the nearest Thriftway, anyway?).
8. Any magazines that you haven't set aside for sharing with colleagues or trade-in at Periodicals Paradise may be comingled with any waste product promoted by the advertising inside that magazine, then sent C.O.D. to the publisher.
9. Save "blow-in" circulation cards for use as coasters, trivets, potholders and bookmarks. Save perfume samples for those times when your personal life is so bleak you think scent will make a difference.
10. Place all formerly operational automobles in a brown, kraft-paper bag (large size) and set each on blocks in the front yard.
11. Deposit any unwanted litters of cats, dogs, boa constrictors or ferrets in an open container alongside the pavement of your nearest thoroughfare.
12. Remove every second item of clothing from your closet, fold neatly and stack in a reusable plastic bag. Affix a yellow sticky to the outside, and print on it in plain block letters the words "For Fred."
13. Remove plastic wrap and packaging from the last week's mailings of CD-ROMs promoting AOL membership, and set the disks aside for modification into Ninja death stars.
14. Count and identify all major food-group ingredients on each inedible piece of pizza in the back of your refrigerator, then enter data in a spreadsheet and send as an e-mail attachment to www.gotgas.com.
15. Lastly, place any remaining loose, bagged or otherwise unaccounted for items by the curb. That way, a bunch of really swell guys can comingle their decibels with the last 10 minutes of your valuable early-morning sleep in the hopper of a truck headed to the dump.