Response to Paul

when i read your posting i felt compelled to reply...

so here are a some thoughts,

ways... i deal with my rage and still

try to be able to say hi to the Creator too and stay friends with her and humans.

in the midst of it all

i have incredible rage, anger, hatred,

fury and rage beyond description from horrific things done to me

for years and

years.

we are not born with rage.

Rage comes from what happened.

Often behind rage is hurt as with anger.

i make myself tell myself

out-loud

how i really feel...

why i'm so angry, raging...

rage so terrible that ...

gone to therapy for decades, deal with

the remembering and

inner and outside healing.

good spiritual directors ...

i tell them what's going on inside, thinking & feeling,

about therapy,

about what happens in prayer,

about what's remembered,

about hard stuff in daily life, about

all of me... bar none.

me telling most worst things inside me...

no matter what.

Tis tough, humbling, but keeps me on the way more or less.

Only by facing,

owning and

dealing with the truth do we become

free,

healed,

whole within our brokenness.

when suffering huge rage, prayer is but

one spoke of the healing wheel

trust more and more that God really is God, that

she can handle all of how i am and

then become freer

& freer to rage at God.

God has been accused of real bad stuff,

screamed at

yelled at

wept over and with,

ignored him

told him

-this is it, no more-.

Asked him how he could possibly be God, let alone

claim to be kind - gentle - full of loving-kindness - faithful -,

asked him if he has any clue to what it's like to have to live my life?

where was he when....?

Told him to stay away..

if this is how he treats his friends no wonder the world's such a mess ....

and on,

and

on.

Raged at God, the church,

ignorant clergy & religious.

raged about those who destroyed me

...and on, and

on.

raged at myself for being so terrible, so angry.

raged at myself for raging, hating.

raged at myself for saying bad things to God.

as with anger, all feelings, all thoughts, all desires we can choose

... choose what we do with them.

We can choose to reach out for help.

We can chose to

destroy ourselves and others.

we can ask God to transform

the rage,

us,

into something good for Herself and all the people.

It is your choice.

Choose.

For God's sake,

no for your sake and the

sake of the people

choose life.

i told myself, a friend and God the truth of myself,

told my story out of my brokenness.

all i know and experience of myself is my brokenness ...

i am brokenness.

broken way.. way beyond repair in this life.

the truth will make you free.

live by this.

live the truth.

never consider or ask the cost.

God has never deserted me.

God has always provided.

Many ways she's provided sure wouldn't have been my ways.

But...

she is God.

i am created by God, in her image.

more than 3 decades passed before i caught on

that

asking "why" is the wrong question.

accepting that I'll never know the answer to why.

accepting what happened, what is.

accepting the terrible consequences of all that horror.

accepting my utter brokenness.

saying yes to the multitude of losses in me & my life due to

the behavior of others.

Saying Yes

to who i am and

who i am not.

Saying Yes

to who others are and are not.

Saying Yes to God whomever and however God is.

Learning to say Yes no matter what.

Yes, I do mean just that.

Say Yes.

Saying yes to all,

the physical,

psychological, emotional damage done

to me.

Yes to the brokenness of those

who perpetrated those horrid things.

Yes to the loss of everything

that people assume when they have a regular life.

this was impossible for years.

i asked Jesus to teach me

how to say yes everytime i could not say yes.

later it came to me that when i

can not say yes

ask Jesus to say yes for me...

and ask him to heal me so that some day i will be able to say yes

like he did...

do i love God like how i should?

i do not know.

i love God how i am able right now in this time, place and where i am at now.

tomorrow maybe i'll love God better, differently.

But

i am here. i am ...

not there.

i am who i am now.

do i wish i was different, that my life was different? YES.

YES

a billion trillion times yes....

can my rage be healed?

i do not know... even after all these years...

i can do everything that is possible for me to be healed inside.

only God can

truly transform my heart, mind, body psyche, feelings, thinkings.

becoming familiar with,

knowing,

listening to,

befriending my rage ... transforms it.

talk with your rage and the furies within.

ask what is bothering them

ask where they came from.

ask rage what it wants...

and ... why?

ask rage what it would truly like to become ...

ask rage

who are you?

what is your name?

ask God for extra angels whose only assignment is to

take care of each of

the terrible things inside you.

the most terriblest inside things may require

several angels for each one.

that is ok,

God loves giving us all the extra helpers we need.

God will not abandon us.

never.

no matter what the pain...

regardless of how terrible we are...

whatever our real or imagined sins...

God is for us however we are.

God is for us.

ask God to help you to never

abandon yourself.

God said through Jesus to love all.

Surprise... sunshine

this includes me

and you

and you, and

him, and

her

... all us.

To act with kindness, gentleness, compassion and faithfulness toward myself.

God judges in God-ways... which

sure are not my ways!

Be kind,

gentle,

compassionate

and faithful toward yourself...

toward

all

that is you...

and toward

the rage.

God gives you life and hope.

She always gives us what she knows we need cuz ...

God is smarter than us, and

like a good lover she 'loves giving presents

to her beloved,

you.

when it is too hard to choose life,

hope has evaporated

just tell Jesus.

ask Jesus to please

give you his life

and

his hope.....

tell him that you need to borrow his because

yours ran-out.

he will smile.

he will take your hand

he will walk with you no matter what.

Jesus will support you always.

God

never

gives

anyone.

never,

never ever,

and

for all eternity.

ask God to show you the way to find

the people He has created to walk with you on

your journey,

on your raging journey.

always keep your eyes, ears,

feelings,

thought,

hands and heart open ...watching for

the hour.

the hour when

God will heal you

a bit more,

even if it is the tiniest morsel of healing

dropped and

lying in what appears to be the gutter,

it is from the least likely of persons or places.

welcome each speck

of healing as

you welcome and embrace your

best friend.

And,

let go of all.

let go of family.

let go of friends.

let go of home.

let go of country.

let go of all of yourself.

let go of life.

let go of fear.

let go of money.

let go of death.

let go of self.

let go of expectations.

let go of how it is supposed to be.

let go of what others will think.

let go of what you think.

let go of what you know.

let go of what you feel.

let go of what you hope for.

let go of what you don't have.

let go of all you have.

let go of God.

let go ...

risk.

risk all.

And.

Wait.

Patiently.

Impatiently.

Wait.

Be vigilant like the virgins in the gospel..

Waiting.

Watching.

Crying out.

let go again, and again, and again, and

again...

and again.

Forever.

let go...

free falling in the universe...

no parachute, just

falling in the dark emptiness of space...

fall

beyond the human universe...

image of god falling through the

nothingness.

alone.

free falling...

falling into the universe beyond

this universe....

open your hands,

extend your arms

say.......

here I am Lord, I have come to do your will.

Yes.

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