Things LotR characters wouldn't dare say

Legolas: The acursed dirt has soiled my most beautiful face. I must avenge this henious deed by whipping out my bow and arrow and sleighing said dirt

Aragorn: *hands Frodo bottle*
Frodo: Whats this?
Aragorn: Pepperspray!!!!

Gimmli to Legolas: "I just talked to my agent, he got me a spot on broadway! I get to be a munchkin in the Wizard of Oz!"
Gimmli dances jerky like and sings: "We represent the LOLLY POP CLAN, the LOLLY POP CLAN...."

Pippin: *after stealing Gandalfs palantir* Hey Merry, wanna play marbles?

Frodo- hey, sam, what's with the walking? stay here, im gonna get a car

Legolas: *staring at Arwen* Miss Elizabeth....
Aragorn: Dude! Back off!

Gandalf leaves
Gandalf: watch yourself frodo
Frodo turns his head, then starts running in circles
Frodo: boy, it sure is hard to watch yourself, sure you get a little glimps...

Smeagol: (with the ring) I will name it Squishy and it will be my, precious.

Legolas: *shots orc with single shot*
Orc: Hey! You cheated!
Legolas: DUH! Pirates always cheat
Director: CUT! Orlando, can you PLEASE stop using the Pirates of the Carraibian script?

Aragorn is riding on his horse, then all of a sudden it stops in the middle of a battle

*this is on the way to mordor*
Aragorn: I spy with my little eye, something that is big.
Legolas: mountain. I spy with my little eye, something that is cone shaped.
Aragorn: mountain. I spy with my little eye, something that is blackish, brownish.
Legolas: mountain.

Frodo: Saur--

Orc: *takes Legolas's arrows* You'll shoot your eye out kid!
Legolas: O_o

Sam: *pushes Frodo into the Fires of Mordor* It's ok! I had Subway for lunch!

Frodo: *hiding in burrow*
Frodo: Who's there?
Orc: Orc!
Frodo: Sweet, my pizzas here

Galadriel: *holding Gimli in the air and petting him* And I will love him, and pet him, and squeeze him, and call him George!
Gimli: Agh! Psycho she-elf!

*In boat*
Frodo: Gandalf are we there yet?
Gandolf: No
Frodo: Are we there now?
Gandolf: No
Frodo: What about now?
Gandalf: *picks up Frodo* Hobbit over board! *Sits down and enjoys peace.*

Aragorn: *picks up leaf charm*
Aragorn: Very rare that somebody would loss something so valuable
Legolas: *flips it over*
Legolas: For a good time call Pippin, 1-555-LOVE

Sam: I am waaaaaay more popular than you'll ever be!
Frodo: I'm telling Gandalf....
Gandalf: Sorry i'm busy, Arwen's doing my hair!
Frodo: Mr.Jackson sir....
Michael Jackson: What?
Frodo: Not you i meant Peter Jackson
Sauron: You dare speak his name!!
Peter Jackson: Your fired!

Uruk-hai: Hobbits are friends, NOT food.

Sauron: Frodo, I am your fa--nevermind. *In the middle of battle*
Legolas: Caw!!! This is getting REALLY boring!!! *To Gimli* Do you want to help me fill in this cross word?
Gimli: Which question are you stuck on?
Legolas: *reads from magazine* "Who does Orlando Bloom play in Lord of the Rings?"
I could have sworn i knew this one!

Bilbo: Frodo! Frodo...its so nice to---OH!*has a heart attack and dies*
Frodo: OMG! BILBO!

*Pippin leaving for Minas Tirith* Merry will we see each other again?
Merry: Not likely i have a date *checks watch* oh well i have to go..hey can u give me a ride?

*Witch King: is on fell beast as it starts to fall coz its wings fall off*
Witch King: oh no! already ran out! quick, here's some red bull!
*fell beast drinks can of red bull and its wings grow back*
Witch King: phew, that was close!

Corpses underwater: *singing* Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun! Wandering free, wish I could be, part of that world!
Director: Can we please STOP going into songs from Disney movies!?

*The Two Towers scene where Aragorn falls off the rock*
*switch to scene where he comes back* HALLUIGH! HALLIUGH! HALLIUGH!
Aragorn: *whacks sound effect man* Frodo: I came here to destroy the ring...but I WON'T! ITS MINE, I TELL YOU! BWAHAHAHA---*Sam pushes Frodo into Mount Doom's pit*
Sam: Well, that takes care of that problem!

*Gandalf and Pippin are riding to Minas Tirith*
Pippin: Are we there yet?
Gandalf: No
Pippin: What about now?
Gandalf: NO
Pippin: I need to go potty
Gandalf: *Frys Pippin with a Magic Spell*
Pippin: ...

Sam: This is taking longer than I thought. I told you we should've used Fedex

Pippin: Minas Tirith is safe! Now to find Merry in all this-- Oh! Dead Nazgul! *pillage* Score! I found his wallet!

Gollum: Don't follow the lights

(Aragorn, about to chop off the head of an Orc):
Don't worry i have good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geiko.
(continues to chop off head)
Gandalf: *pointing at something metal with a contorted look on his face* Move dang you!
Elijah: Um, Ian? There are no mutants in LoTR, stick to the script.

Frodo: CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW...GOOD (move to steps)

Gandalf: Fly you fools!
Fellowship: *Chugs Red Bull*
Fellowship: *Sprouts wings and flies away*
Gandalf: Hey! Gimme some! Aragorn: What do your elf-eyes see, Legolas?
Legolas: I see... Arwen in the shower!!!
Aragorn: Ooh! Lemme see!!!

(Aragorn is about to be killed by orcs when suddenly Legolas walks infront of the orcs)
Legolas: Not so fast i just switched our credit card to a capital one! (orcs melt)

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